Don't Call Me That Anymore

I do not remember a time in my life when I was not a churchgoer. My parents became Christians before my first birthday, and I was grafted in by confession of faith at the age of 9.

My conversion was typical. I was afraid of going to hell. So afraid in fact that for about a week before my conversion I couldn't sleep, be alone, or think of much else. 

Christmas 1979...that's when it happened. The church we attended had a Christmas dinner and showed a movie. White Christmas, It's a Wonderful Life? Nope, they showed A Distant Thunder the second in a series of rapture/second coming of Jesus films. 

This film (horrible production, acting, filmography, and directing) was all about people who did not make the rapture. These people either had to take the mark of the beast or be killed. 

I took away that if you didn't accept Jesus as your Lord and Savior you were going to hell, and hell isn't a place you want to go.

For a solid week, I could not sleep, I could not be by myself, and I was terrified that the rapture would come and I would not make it. I'd be Left Behind (see what I did there).

Then on New Year's Eve, I couldn't take it anymore. My parents had sent us to bed and they were watching the ball drop. I ran from my room crying because I heard the troops (just like in the movie) coming to get me. I told my parents I didn't want to go to hell, and they lead me in the sinner's prayer.

I was in.

For the next 40 or so years, I tried my best to be what the church told me to be. I read, studied, and prayed. There were times I felt a presence, but more often than not I was faking it. I learned how to speak in tongues, I learned how to put together bible studies and guest speaking spots that would keep people interested. I learned all the Christianese. 

I am not saying that at the time I thought I was faking. I thought that I was doing what everyone else was. Trying to be spiritual. I don't believe I intentionally lied except for the speaking in tongues part that was a total fake, but I quit that in my mid-20s. 

My departure started in February 2019. The United Methodist Church, of which I was a member and on the board of my local church, decided to strengthen its ban on LGBTQ clergy and marriage. This was heartbreaking to me. I felt betrayed and downtrodden, We had purposefully chosen the UMC because it was a liberal branch of the Church and a place our daughter and her wife could come and be accepted.

That was out the window now. I met with our Pastor, and we discussed what was going to happen. I told her that we would not be leaving the church, but we would wait to see how the dominoes would actually fall. In July of 2019 my wife, daughters, and I all wrote letters to the Bishop asking to be removed from the rolls of the UMC. Nothing had been done by the UMC to nurture our LGBTQ siblings. The church that we went to was accepting, but I could no longer be a part of the hypocrisy.

Since that time, I have reevaluated much of my faith. I had already come to the conclusion that the Bible is not the actual word of God. It is not accurate historically nor scientifically. After that, I looked closely at the message of the church. I came to some conclusions:

We are not born bad

Love does not punish finite transgressions permanently

The Bible is filled with misogyny, murder, rape, slavery, torture (mostly skipped over or just accepted)

The God of the Bible expect more from His worshippers than Himself 

The church is a money-making business (maybe not yours, but...)

The church has become a political club (on both sides of the aisle)

Many people (me included) have been brutalized by the church in the name of love and devotion

Very few Christians actually act like Christians (I should know I was one of them)

HELL IS NOT REAL it's a propaganda tool

Because of all of this and so much more, I no longer call myself a Christian.

I'm not an atheist. I'm not an agnostic. I believe there is a God. I just don't believe in the God of the Christian Bible. If I must label myself, I am a Deist. 

I do not have any problem with anyone who practices a faith. I have no problems with anyone who practices no faith. I have come to these conclusions on my own, and I do not need anyone to agree with me. In fact, for the first time in my life, I feel like I do not have anything to "prove" to anyone about my beliefs. 

This story is much longer, but this covers the main points. Thank you for reading